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Post by Gasshole on Apr 5, 2020 0:07:55 GMT
Feck it, eating is cheating. Liquid lunch  |
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 12:39:10 GMT
DAY 13
Mornin/afternoon troops, how yous feelin today?
Bit o' late breakfast here . . . .
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 13:10:52 GMT
3pm start for a sh**e quiz if anyones remotely interested.
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:00:13 GMT
FFS , runnin late troops, give me 5 almost havin a fucckin heart attack runnin
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:07:19 GMT
A serial killer kidnapped people an made them take one o' two pills, one was harmless, an th other was poisonous. Whichever pill a victim took, th serial killer took th other one. Each time, th victims died an th serial killer survived.
Question. How did th killer always get th harmless pill?
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:12:18 GMT
Answer. Both pills were harmless. Th poison was in th glass of water th victims drank.  |
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Post by axegas on Apr 5, 2020 14:13:14 GMT
Crikey, I thought this was the 'lighten up' thread.
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:13:53 GMT
A man an a woman went to a restaurant for dinner. While they were waiting for th main dish, she ordered 5 drinks with ice because it was very hot. The woman drank 4 of them all at once, while th man only drank one. After a while th man became ill and died. Th doctors said that all th drinks were poisoned.
Question.
Why was th woman still alive when th man died? Read again carefully.
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:19:15 GMT
Answer. Th poison was in th fucckin ice. Since th woman had her drinks quickly, th ice didn’t have time ta melt. Th bloke drank slowly an th poison melted into his drink. |
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:22:26 GMT
Right troops imagine this scene. A man was found dead, he has a pistol in his hand and a cassette recorder next to him. Th Polis detective pressed th “Play” button an listened th message, it said “I am tired of this life an decided to stop my pain and suffering” and then a shot follows. Somehow th detective doesn’t believe that it was a suicide. Why does th detective blokey think that it was a murder? (Pronounce like Taggart please)  |
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Post by gregsy on Apr 5, 2020 14:24:38 GMT
Is because someone else must of rewound the tape?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2020 14:26:27 GMT
FYI forum readers..... Jock has been drinking Merry Down. Based on my own experience of that evil brew he will spouting absolute b@ll@x in 3..... 2...... 1....
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:27:06 GMT
Is because someone else must of rewound the tape? Fucckin hell Greggsy yer like Jim Fucckin Rockford ya roaster,
If th bloke killed himself, how could he rewind the cassette to th beginning? Legend Greggsy!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2020 14:28:18 GMT
Is because someone else must of rewound the tape? Then his stop start recording of the charts from the late eighties kicked in. |
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:30:57 GMT
A detective blokey was on duty during th Christmas holidays an on the marning of December 25th he went on a call. He rang th doorbell, an a minute later a sleepy house owner opened it. Th detective said “Your neighbor says that yesterday, on Christmas Eve, he came to your place for a party and while he was here, you broke into his house an stole some valuable items.” Th owner replied: “ Fucck yous That’s not true. Our family celebrated Christmas Eve at our friends place. We barely had time ta decorate our bloody Christmas tree.” Th detective said: “No worries. It’s quite obvious for me that your neighbor is a liar.” ( Fucck me sounds like the 'Wael Al'Qadi Reported to the EFL (Allegedly)' thread!  Question. How did th detective know? |
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Post by gregsy on Apr 5, 2020 14:35:51 GMT
Because the detective was the friend?
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:36:15 GMT
Anyone want more?, i woouldnae be offended.
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Post by slam on Apr 5, 2020 14:36:40 GMT
A detective blokey was on duty during th Christmas holidays an on the marning of December 25th he went on a call. He rang th doorbell, an a minute later a sleepy house owner opened it. Th detective said “Your neighbor says that yesterday, on Christmas Eve, he came to your place for a party and while he was here, you broke into his house an stole some valuable items.” Th owner replied: “ Fucck yous That’s not true. Our family celebrated Christmas Eve at our friends place. We barely had time ta decorate our bloody Christmas tree.” Th detective said: “No worries. It’s quite obvious for me that your neighbor is a liar.” ( Fucck me sounds like the 'Wael Al'Qadi Reported to the EFL (Allegedly)' thread! Question. How did th detective know? The copper had gone to the wrong neighbour's house |
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:37:15 GMT
Because the detective was the friend? Th Christmas tree lights are unplugged an actually missing one bulb, they wouldn’t work without it. It was clear for th detective that th owner was telling th truth. He had decorated th tree in such a hurry that he didn’t even check to see whether th lights were working or not. |
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Post by Big Jock on Apr 5, 2020 14:42:20 GMT
A serial killer invited a prospective victim to her Glesga home (as yous do). They had dinner together after which, she offered her victim an apple. Th victim said that she was already full. The killer divided th apple in half so they could share it. They both started eating th apple and as soon as th guest tried th apple she died.
Question:
If both of them had th same apple, why did one of them die an another survive?
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