Luxury Spa Treatment

I thought I'd let you all know about my recent experience at a Luxury Spa. The experience was bought for me by my lovely wife for my Birthday, which was in November. I was booked in for Dec 20th.
Now, as a bloke, I've never ever been to a Luxury Spa for a well-being experience. I'm a simple soul (no comments at the back!) and I'd be delighted to be taken to a local Irish Pub, given my choice of anything on the menu, and enough beer to enable me to stagger home. I'd be as happy as a Pig in Sh1t with that..........but no, She Who Casts No Shadow thought that being pampered at a Luxury Spa was what I would like. Apparently it would make me feel and look thirty years younger.......Wo Hoo I thought, it'll be a couple of good looking young fillies and I'm sure to get a Happy Ending. Now THAT would make me feel thirty years younger, but alas, what was to follow was not like that.....not at all.

Well, how did it go?

The lass who was allocated to me was a tall willowy good looking lass from Gambia...........with great tits!

I was first ordered to strip off, take a quick shower, and then go into this little room to lay on the massage table. Now, at this point I should add that in my entire life the only times I've been given a naked massage by young (and some not so young) ladies, it has always,....always, ended-up with sex. With this in mind, I had to give a stern talk to my todger, and tell him that under no circumstances was he to wake up, shout "tally Ho" and go rogering.

So, the first treatment was a body scrub. Normally, I would do this with maybe a flannel, in the shower. Isn't that a body scrub? This lass proceeded to assault me with oil, some small sharp bits of stone, and her long sensuous fingers, nimby easing the oil into............well, it wasn't comfortable. This was a top to toe treatment. Even my buttocks got a scrub, which was strange as I always thought they were soft and tender enough as it was. Todger behaved himself.
Then I had another shower to wash off the bits of stone and oil. Feck me, two showers in about twenty minutes! 
Back to the massage table I went. This time it was just warm oils and frikkin hot stones....and I mean frikkin hot ! There were a few times when one of her hands stopped moving, and I swear she was holding molten volcanic rock in her hand. I could almost hear my skin blistering ! This was a top to toe and both sides treatment. The butt cheeks got another good rub, and she even massaged my ears........my ears for christs sake ! Todger still behaved himself.

Next......I had a choice between a manicure and a pedicure. Now, there's no point in having a manicure as I am an habitual finger-nail biter. So the Pedicure it was..........I wasn't too comfortable with this at all as I'm not to happy with anyone poncing around with clippers on my toe nails. One of the greatest pleasures in life is to have a good toe nail pick just after having a bath! It was going ok though, until the pain....oh the pain......she somehow sliced the side of my big toe open. I screeched like a little girl, she dropped her tools, and there was blood....lots of blood. Because I'm taking tablets that thin my blood, when I bleed, I bleed like a stuck pig !
She did apologise, and with my stiff upper lip I said it's ok and nothing to worry about (as I chewed on my knuckles and sobbed quietly).

Then it was over and I hobbled was ushered into this smart looking swimming area, made up to look a bit Roman. As I sat there drinking my fruit juice, fighting back the tears from the pain in my toe, I did look around, and noticed that the place was full of fat business types...all blokes. Luckily, my missus arrived to take me home before anything else bad happened.

So to sum up. I can see why women like this sort of thing, but for us blokes it's a bit of a non-event, and to top it off my toe got an infection!